perks

The thing about my job is that sometimes I am asked to find stock imagery for clients to use on their websites or collateral. Some might regard this as a mind-numbing task, but in this age of fiscal austerity, it’s the closest thing to a company perk that I can get anymore.

Okay. Once I got a burrito from my work. That was pretty cool.

You never really know what’ll turn up when you look for stock images. You just know that they’re probably going to be really, really excellent. And by excellent I mean utterly bewildering.

For example, I recently searched for photos of “nutrition.” This is what I got:

Now I don’t know about you, but after a long day at work I like to unwind by carefully soaking half an ear of corn in a wine glass filled with water before dumping the contents on the floor, smashing the glass over my head, and spending the rest of the night in bed, sobbing quietly to myself.

“Behold! At last I have perfected the no-calorie cake!”

This image was titled “Asian woman relaxing,” which clearly has everything to do with nutrition. And you know what? I’m glad I found it. Because in this all-too-often frighteningly foreign world, I am heartened to see that relaxing in Asia looks just the same as it does at home in good ol’ America: standing up with a door jammed into your back as the blood slowly drains from your arms.

There’s a mighty stiff penalty for stealing from Olga’s Haus of Danish Delights.

“What’s that, Magic Apple? You say I should build you a castle? Of course. Of course, my liege. An apple castle for my apple king. With a moat! And a 24-karat gold toilet. No. You know what? Twelve 24-karat gold toilets. Only the best for you, my Golden Delicious prince.”

“Ron? Ron? My avocado is up here. Up here, Ron. Now, let’s continue the geography lesson….”

Keri tried to recall the recipe from memory, but all she could think about was the noxious cloud of gas she’d emit after she’d eaten all that fiber.

“God, you guys. GOD. I can’t work like this! How can you expect me to write my lemon poetry when you all just keep STARING AT ME?!”

“You know what, Brad? Brad. Stop. We need to focus on how we’re going to optimize our fruit leverage. We need to call in an expert. Hang on. I’m gonna get the Sun-Maid Raisin girl on the banana phone.”

 

7 Responses to “perks”

  1. Oh man, you just made me wake my baby up I was laughing so hard. I now must go read ALL the posts. p.s. I missed you.

  2. I was drinking water while reading this, and so now I have water up my nose because of course I laugh/snorted all the way through these pictures and their captions. Painful, but worth it.

  3. That picture of the corn in the wine glass is amazing. I will spend the rest of the evening wondering who thought that up and why.

  4. I love banana phones almost as much as I love foot phones. Fun stuff.

  5. Hahaha! Your corn caption is amazing.

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