mallory makes a pitch

This is the first entry in what could well end up being a series titled What fuckery is this (denoted via post tag). In this potential series, I explore the inner monologues of the models featured in some of the “best” fashion photos I find on the internet. Or something like that. I haven’t really set any strict ground rules in this arena just yet.

The following clever ensemble was featured on


“Oh. Hey. You need a house painter? Because I could totally paint your house. You know. If that’s the kind of thing you need.

See this wall behind me? I totally painted that. I do this technique, you know? It’s like ‘grunge’ painting. Basically I like to take your wall? And make it look like you last painted it 30 years ago. And in that span of time there’s been a flood and fire and smoke damage and also at one point there was a family of rats living behind it and then of course there was that one Christmas a small child was accidentally left behind while the rest of his family went on holiday to Paris and he ended up fending off some would-be burglars and in the process kind of wrecks the place.

That last part was a movie? That wasn’t a movie. A movie from 1990? Who was even alive in 1990? 

I’m thinking about copyrighting the word ‘grunge.’ I totally invented that after being inspired by a Pinterest board.

I for sure have a process. I use these bangles to ‘distress’ the wall. It makes the walls look older. And old things are like totally cool, right? Except for my dad. He’s super old and he’s always all, ‘I don’t want to pay your rent anymore’ and ‘I don’t think you should see Braydon anymore’ and ‘Who took a ball peen hammer to that poor wall?’

He doesn’t understand my art.

The patches? I don’t know. They kind of like… came like that. I guess.

Okay, then. I’m gonna leave you this card, in case you change your mind. It just says ‘Mallory’ on it. That’s my name. You’ll know where to find me. Just ask for Mallory. You know? Whenever you need me, just go into your yard and scream my name at the sky. I’ll feel the vibrations in my earrings. And then you’ll hear a knock at the door, and it’ll be me. With my pouty face in yours. 

Because house painting kind of totally sucks.”

13 Responses to “mallory makes a pitch”

  1. You are a genius & so damn creative. I LOVE this. I laughed my ass off. I can’t wait until you come to Scotland.

  2. I just don’t even know about this painters’ outfit. I think it needs something to make it a little more authentic?

  3. So much about this outfit confuses me. Let’s start with the belt. Isn’t one the primary advantages of overalls that you don’t need a belt? Which, I guess, explains why the belt is through any belt loops. However, shouldn’t the purely decorative belt accentuate her trim waist instead of hanging off her hips? Oh, perhaps that where she hangs her paintbrush….

  4. This reminds me of the ‘deviance’ series from the other blog. Except even better.

    • Oh, Moz. Thank you. I am so glad you like it! I feel like every so often people are all, “you should make fun of ads again, like you did on your wedding blog!” And then I post something like this, and… CRICKETS.

      Oh dear lord. I sound like such a whiner baby.

  5. Um…I have a pair of those overalls (or coveralls, as West Texans have been known to say). But what I really want are those earrings. Does this make me a bad person?

    (you’re hilarious)

    • Me too! I have those overalls too! I wore them back in the early nineties, and they are the striped ones and I loved them. They still fit….so I’ve kept them. But mine don’t have patches all over…. though I do have an ancient pair of my grandfather’s work overalls that I kept for sentimental reasons. Those ones do have patches everywhere. Anyhow, all that to say, Lyn, thanks for giving me ideas to rework the overalls back into my active wardrobe. Hahaha. :)

  6. This better fucking be a series. Bam.

  7. WONDERFUL new series.

  8. This new series drew me out of lurk-dom. So please keep ’em coming.
    You are hilarious!

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