When you sit down? Your risk of cancer, diabetes, heart disease, common cold, allergy, leprosy, rash, scurvy, hangnail, and bad hair goes up a whopping 237 percent. When you sit down? All the electricity in your legs shuts off. That’s right: sitting down is effectively your signature on a permission slip that states, “Let my legs fall off!” Just like that. Tomorrow, you are probably going to wake up with no legs, the flu, and a cowlick even the strongest hairspray can’t tame.
Think about all the people you’ve known who have died. Did you ever see them sit down? YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.
Last year, when I started working from home most of the week, I decided I should take the matter of standing into my own, er, feet. Just so I could have something to feel all uppity about; at least until they start releasing articles about how detrimental standing is to your health and how sitting actually sends your body into “active hibernation mode,” which adds countless years and benefits to your life in addition to increasing your probability of winning the lottery and making you more attractive to potential mates.
Seriously — you get fuller, brighter plumage when you sit down as much as possible. Look it up, it’s science.
Like I said, I decided to capitalize on this standing thing, because I love feeling superior. It’s like insta-god status when you stand up. Try it, the next time you’re hanging out with friends. Stand on your chair and point at them and laugh. Say things like: “You all look so tiny and helpless!” and “How’s the weather down there?” and “YOUR LORD DEMANDS A SACRIFICE, PRESENT ME AT ONCE WITH CAKE.” They’ll be so jealous they didn’t think of it first!
The first thing I did after I decided to
conform to embrace the cult lifestyle was to get on the internet and look for a standing desk. I had visions of sipping coffee and wearing a cute frock while standing at a desk made of reclaimed wooden barn beams. And just now I had to go and look up “frock” because I realized even after all these years of casual usage I still wasn’t quite sure what it meant; I always kind of liked to think it was an adorable abbreviation of the beloved children’s television series Fraggle Rock. I mean, I’m sure Brangelina sit their brood down to watch Frock every night while they quaff bat’s blood and doodle out their next matching tattoo, amirite? Frock also strongly reminds me of the word smock, which always makes me think of the wildly funny Calvin & Hobbes comic strip. But the thing is, I looked it up and I found that one of the definitions of a frock is, indeed, a smock:
frock [frok], noun
… 2. a loose outer garment worn by peasants and workers; smock. …
What do you even know about that? There remains corner of my brain where my knowledge hasn’t yet been washed away by bourbon!
But what were we talking about, now? RIGHT. STANDING.
So I had these grandiose visions of a gorgeous standing desk upon which I could place my Macbook Pro, and I’d be wearing a delightful frock, and my coffee would be vanilla-flavored, and then my life would somehow be complete. Except that after several minutes of internet searching I realized some things:
- Desks are, like, totally expensive!
- And the cheap ones are ugly!
- Both the nice ones and the ugly ones take up a lot of space, which is at a premium in our house!
- Flavored coffee weakens my street cred!
What did I do? I’ll tell you what I did. Friends, I went out and got a miniature table made. To put on top of another table.
Oh, yeah. Jealous much?
Yep. This is where I spend most of my working hours. Standing in front of my dining room table. Feeling all smug.
Pros of this setup:
- The miniature table can be quickly stowed in the closet for those times guests are coming over and we need to pretend we’re normal people who use their dining room table for normal purposes
- Centerpiece of conversation for those times guests come over and we forget to stow the miniature table, the highlights of which include “Why would you ever want to stand up while you work?” and “That’s totally weird”
- The kitchen is right on the other side of that wall, which enables me to eat ALL OF THE SNACKS
- I can surf the internet for pictures of squirrels while STANDING UP
- Aforementioned godlike status; a towering inferno of righteousness rained down daily on my imaginary subjects
- Probably spend a little too much time alone
- CAPS LOCK
So there you have it. This is how I came to be a professional stander. I don’t like to brag, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it. And do you know what? You can, too.
Unless you want your legs to fall off.