all the news that’s fit to print

First of all, I need to tell you that “announcement” was initially the title of this post until I realized that it might trick some people into thinking I was announcing my pregnancy, and I didn’t feel like instigating a kerfuffle and then jumping through hoops to disprove it. She says while taking a swig of bourbon.

God, womanhood just keeps getting weirder. 

Anyway! I wanted to tell you things! Magical things! Wondrous things! About my blog! That you probably don’t care about! Oh my gracious, look at that. I’ve already used up my exclamation point allotment for the day.

What I did was I finally got off my ass and optimized this here blog to be read on mobile devices. You know, just in case you’re away from your computer and need to look up something I wrote so that you can quote it to your friend in exasperation and then both of you can collapse in gales of laughter about how stupid I am. 

It’s got a dropdown menu and everything.

 

I HOPE YOU LIKEY.

Next in my world of news, I… kind of found out that I might be winning an award for a poster I designed last year. I will find out for sure March 15, which is when the awards gala is happening. Which is awesome and nerve-wracking all at once. What if I don’t win after all? What if I win but it’s like, the very last-place prize? WHAT IF MACHETE-WIELDING COMMUNISTS SUDDENLY RAPPEL FROM THE CEILING AND TAKE US ALL HOSTAGE?????

Shit, now I’m running low on my question mark supply, too.

It’s just the regional competition of the American Advertising Federation’s ADDY Awards. So it’s not, you know, super impressive or anything. But I want to be prepared. And by “prepared” I mean “find something to wear.”

So I went online in search of cocktail-style attire that would cover all my bits yet remain flattering, while also being unique and stylish. I started on Macys.com for no especial reason except they sent me a sale email and I opened it and clicked through. 

Somewhere, an email marketer is wetting his pants.

What I found on Macys.com was a number of fascinating items of clothing. Permit me to share my findings with commentary.

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Keep forgetting your reusable bags at home? Start wearing them! Made of reconstituted Ralph Lauren pillowcases for that fashion-forward flair and extra bit of eco-friendly goodness.

The perfect top for when you want to achieve that “the baby horfed strained peas on my blouse in a pleasant abstract floral pattern” look.

God, look how pissed1 this model is. “The ’70s? Again? Really?” 

“SHIT YEAH ABOUT TO RECLAIM MY TITLE AS THE HOTTEST CHICK AT THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL. Five years running, wenches.”

FINALLY. A shirt that keep my arms warm and my stomach cool while also addressing my burning need to look like a hippie lumberjack.

 

Two buttonholes and a braid away from being a Sister in a fundamentalist clan on the Fourth of July. 

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 So, yeah. I haven’t actually found things to wear yet, just things to make fun of. If you have any fashion ideas or tips, please let me know. Because now I’m really starting to get nervous.

Yo, ’70s girl. Pass me that bourbon.

 

1 I mean “pissed” in the American sense of being angry, not in the UK sense of being drunk. Although it’s likely this model had to turn to the bottle in order to get through this shoot.

16 Responses to “all the news that’s fit to print”

  1. I said ‘aw, neat!’ several times while reading this. I am very happy for you and excited that you made your blog mobile readable just as I got an android – wooh!

    And, as evidenced by my using the word ‘neat’, I need to get out more.

  2. Bahaha. Dissecting horrible fashion options is one of my favourite activities. Never ceases to amuse.

    In other news – YAY! You’re wining an AWARD?? That’s amazing! Don’t downplay it, lady! Are we allowed to see the poster in all its award-winning glory…?

  3. This is way more fun than actual shopping. If trends continue, look for the lumberjack belly-baring shirt to become a trend at my current university.

  4. Oh and Australians use both meanings of the word pissed. We don’t like to miss out on stuff.

  5. The side pony on the fundamentalist girl really makes that look. Also, can this be a regular thing again? I do miss your bridal magazine posts.

  6. Congrats on the potential award! And making fun of clothing options is WAY more fun than actual shopping in my opinion. Which is possibly why my wardrobe is so lacking, but heigh ho.

  7. “Fashion” this year has me shaking my head on a regular basis. I try not to let that make me feel old. I’m glad to know I have good company, especially folks who are way funnier than I am.

  8. Those last two especially. Whoa. Hard to believe….

    And congrats on the blog updates and award nomination!

  9. Yo. Dude. I have that hippie lumberjack shirt. Back off!

    (well, I have a flannel shirt, so…)

    (hey, and good luck, good luck on your nomination! I hope you win!)

  10. WOW. Those looks are out of control.

    And when I think of what to wear whilst cocktailing my mind immediately jumps to sweatpants. So there you go.

  11. Hey congrats on the nomination for the award! That’s super impressive to be recognized for your work this early in your career! And I’ll stop there because I’m pretty sure I’ll run out of exclamation points if you actually win so I better start hoarding them now.

    And I second Sarah – I miss your bridal magazine mockery so in with regular, ol’ fashion mockery!

  12. Congrats on the award! I want this blog to win an award. It’s may favourite. For real.

  13. I totally know what you mean about not being able to make an “announcement” anymore! We got married last year and we’re about to move to Denver, kind of out of the blue, and so every time I go to tell someone about it I just have to blurt it out real quick so as not to mislead them/get their hopes up/down. Congrats on being nominated for an award! Also I love how the horfed-on model has that “just horfed on” expression on her face. Well done!

  14. Congratulations on the nomination! How exciting!!

    “Two buttonholes and a braid away from being a Sister in a fundamentalist clan on the Fourth of July.”

    Hahahaha. Dead-on. It seems like that look is strangely in vogue right now… which… uh… does that mean the fundamentalist clans will have to find something else to wear, if their choices are now considered mainstream/trendy?!?

  15. First, I miss you.

    Second, I loved this.

    Third, I have found that shopping is not the sport it once was.

  16. Hey hooray! Your blog is back! Also, related to this post, if you want fashion-inspired shock/awe/hilarity on the reg, may I suggest you register for shopbop emails? My sister gets them and circulates the really kooky ones for mockery and workday entertainment. Who comes up with this shit?

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