it’s beginning to look a lot like OMG WTF

Last weekend the beau and I went out looking for new bed sheets. Our old sheets were ripped, you see, and we only had one set. So every week we’d wash them and put them back on the bed, and every week our feet would get stuck in the holes, and every week the holes grew bigger. I fully expected that one day I’d pull them out of the washing machine to find they’d completely disintegrated into tatters, and then we could drape them over our heads and run down the street yelping, “Spare a shilling, sir?” like a couple of demented characters from a Dickens novel.

Bonus: instant Halloween costume.

But that didn’t happen. Sadly. This would be a much better blog post if it had. What instead happened is that we downed a couple of margaritas for liquid shopping encouragement and and walked to Macy’s. With fire in our bellies and determination in our hearts, we marched right into that store, rode up three escalators, and proceeded to become increasingly distraught about the sheer quantity of bedding options presented to us. What color did we want? This one is damask and that one is striped. Did we need a bedskirt? Is that what adults do, put bedskirts on their beds? Are our more mature friends coming over and judging us for our visible boxspring? We should break up with them. All of them. You are fired, friends.

A clerk with hard eyes and a chronic throat-clearing problem watched us the entire time. Every ten minutes or so, she’d suddenly materialize from around a row of shelves and demand to know if we could be helped. Sorry, lady. Nothing in the world could ever help us now. You had better stand back and just let nature take its course.

After the fourteenth time I’d collapsed in a ball on the floor and sobbed hysterically over the horror of it all, we finally had it settled. We were getting light grey sheets and a dark grey duvet cover, because it turns out our duvet cover was ripped, too. At this point you might expect me to make a joke about our particularly lively and vigorous amorous life, but let me assure you that’s not the case. No, no. Missionary only, once every third Saturday, after which we primly bid each other good night and retire to our respective twin-sized beds. As the Lord intended.

But just when I’ve got you wondering why I’m writing a post about bed sheets and puritanical sex, BAM. This happens:

We were walking out of the store with our purchases in hand, exhausted from our ordeal, when we passed a rack strewn with Christmas ornaments. Yes, yes, insert the oh-my-god-they-have-CHRISTMAS-stuff-out-already-and-it’s-not-even-HALLOWEEN rant of your choice here, and I will nod my head feverishly in agreement. But in this moment I actually didn’t care that I was seeing Christmas ornaments. For I was too busy boggling at what was written on them:

Collect all three! For the special diva-princess-shopaholic in your life!

Really? Seriously? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Who buys this shit? No, really, I need to know. Are they all 13-year-olds in UGG boots who sincerely believe that one day they’ll grow up and their lives will be just like Sex and the City? How did we get to a point in our society where these are such desirable labels of personality identity that they were turned into ornaments to be hung from a tree? Who would want to even broadcast these things about themselves? I don’t know about you, but when I see someone wearing a t-shirt scrawled with the word “PRINCESS,” it’s like a thousand little fire alarms warning me to run, run away from the frightening person! Back away! Stand clear! Do not engage!

I’d much rather talk to the person running down the street wearing a tattered sheet than someone sporting yoga pants with the letters D-I-V-A spelled out in glitter across the butt. Why is this not the default reaction for the rest of society? Why don’t we all just agree to avoid interaction with these kinds of people, so that they slowly die out? I would be way more comfortable bringing new life into this world if I could be assured that my grandchildren would never know the horror of seeing what I saw in Macy’s last weekend.

I have no good way of ending this post. So I’m taking the advice of a few smart ladies and going with the following:

[FIERY EXPLOSION]

[JAZZ HANDS]

[FINGER GUNS]

That’s right, bitches.

12 Responses to “it’s beginning to look a lot like OMG WTF”

  1. You know what’s really bad about stuff like this? I can’t even buy them and take them to the cabin, hang them in trees, and practice shooting the .22 at 100 yards. Because then I would have bought them.

  2. What if I wear “DIVA” on my ass ironically?

  3. I think it’s more like 46 year old’s with platinum hair jobs that are trying to emulate The Real Housewives of You’re Too Old to Wear That.

  4. We had to break down and buy another sheet too because of the holes in ours. I had tried to sew them up (I have adopted some sort of eco-pioneer mentality when it comes to Making Things Last), but it wasn’t working so well, so now it is a spare, back-up sheet. But it was kinda scary to see how expensive sheets are now days, and how you can’t just buy one nice (higher thread count) fitted sheet because they only come in packs, and we only use the bottom one and then they duvet on top. We used a gift certificate and just got a normal bottom fitted sheet. It works, but is not as soft as I had hoped, but whatever.

    Anyhow, I really started this comment to say something in regards to bed skirts. I actually have one leftover from my teenage years, but we are using my husband’s bed which is a low, inset, Ikea bed so there is nowhere to put a bed skirt anyways. Which I am glad about cause I was tired of that same one. BUT I heard a good idea if you simply don’t want to look at your box springs AND you don’t want a bed skirt. The idea? To buy a regular fitted sheet to put over the box spring thing, which should cover that part that shows. I was excited about this idea and am saving this idea in case we ever get a bed with a box spring again. :) (Maybe some day we will have a guest room?)

  5. I didn’t know they made ornaments for the Christmas Tree from HELL!

  6. I THINK I JUST DIED INSIDE.

    Where are the baubles (for that is what we call them, us Brits; none of your ornament nonsense) with WRITER or ASTRONAUT or DISCOVERER OF MIRACULOUS CURE FOR CANCER on them? (Granted the last one would have to be a fairly giant bauble, but whatever.) Or what about just normal baubles with no occupations and/or undesirable personality traits on them? Hmm? PLUS, why are they gold and purple and blue and pink? Are red and green too masculine or something? Oh, I might cry. And it’s not even Halloween.

  7. Totally on the money as always. Glad to know I am not the only person running away from variously t-shirt clad people.

  8. IT IS INDEED TIME FOR OMG WTF. WTF. WTF.

    btw. now that we’re using abbrev. and all that shit, I get all OMFG LOLZ SQUEE when I see your name in my reader.

  9. Sweet jebus, thank you for making me laugh!

  10. In a coffee shop the other day, I noticed that the toilets, rather than saying ‘male’ and ‘female’, or some variety thereof, instead said: ‘football’ and ‘shopping’. Yes. Thanks for that. I love shopping, with my long hair and womb and all that. Yes. Of course. I also love being patronised.

    Just thinking about it again makes me annoyed.

  11. I totally missed this post somehow. Over the weekend, I took my daughter and my niece to get new shoes. As we were walking by the UGG display in the women’s shoe department (my niece has her some tall-lady-sized feet), my daughter pointed out a pair of Ugg boots covered in gold sequins, and said with a disgusted groan and unintentional irony, “ugh.” She has also recently declared that she doesn’t like princesses (with the exception of 3 princesses). She has her issues, that daughter of mine, but at least she’s wise to the ways of the diva-shopaholic-princess industrial complex.

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