The other week, Beau came home after work with newly-shorn hair and a look of deep concern on his face. “I need you to take a picture of me,” he said.
“Listen,” I replied. “You’re going to need to stop making profiles on dating sites. We’re married. It’s done. No more fresh ling-ling for your dangle.”
“I’m not trying to date anybody, jerk,” he said. “I need a photo for my LinkedIn profile.”
“Oh, so now you’re exclusively dating businesspeople.”
“Just. Take. A picture.”
This is the first step, you guys. First the LinkedIn profile. Then the resume, and then the applications. And then maybe the beau will find a job somewhere else, and we can finally flee this city and find a place to live that doesn’t cost $1600/month in rent alone.
Cough. Choke. Wheeze.
But in the meantime, it all begins with just one tiny, little step. One tiny, little profile picture.
Just, uh, probably not these kinds of pictures.
That’s your starting offer?
Wait, wait. Wait. Wait. What drug test policy? You’re saying there’s a drug test policy?
There is nothing remotely funny about gainful employment, sir.
My weaknesses? You’re insinuating I have weaknesses?
Where do I see myself in ten years? Naked… on a water trampoline… slathered in bacon grease. Why?
I believe my skills and extensive experience are an excellent match with the position and furthermore I would appreciate an interview to discuss the ways in which my range of professional talents and abilities can help you in achieving the organization’s financial goals and operational strategies
How long would it take me to make a significant contribution to the team? Only as long as it would take me to put my fist through your face.
Oh, oh. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Listen. You hear that? That’s the sound of me being incredibly awesome.
Happy birthday, Mr. President & CEO.
This meeting is adjourned. FOREVER.
Winning the cuteness prize.