gonna run, run away

I’m not gonna lie to you. It’s been a hard week. This is a week that’s been full of disappointment, swollen eyes, too little sleep, and setbacks. It’s one of those weeks where I’m tugged in so many directions I don’t know where to begin. And furthermore, I don’t even want to begin. So I’ve retreated inside to that place where things are always okay. Bad behavior is given the green light, because I simply can’t cope with doling out self-discipline.

Have you ever done this? Have you ever felt helpless against your own inability to make yourself be good, oh God, please just be good? But I can’t. Not this week. I can’t focus this week. I don’t know how to be productive. This is the week I’m blowing off friends, blowing off emails, blowing off responsibilities. And I’m not that kind of person. I’m that kid who always did her homework first so she could play without guilt.

Who I am this week doesn’t suit me, yet she is very much me. She’s a part of me I don’t like to look in the face very often. But there she is, confronting me every time I look in the mirror. She leaves unfolded clothes right there on the bed. She’s already eaten all the snacks in the house before you can have some. She sees a spill on the counter and doesn’t wipe it up. She never uses a coaster.

And to top it off, her hair is appalling.

This week a couple of things are holding me together by a thread. Those two things are whiskey and music. I haven’t done a mixtape in a while, but I figure it’s about due, especially if it means I get to share my latest musical obsession with you. It’s called “Bad Things” by Cults and I’ve already listened to it forty-seven times this week. I think part of the reason I like it so much is because I whenever I walk out the door, even if it’s just to go to the grocery store, I like to turn around and announce to the people in the room that I’m leaving and I’m never coming back. Which I’d never do, of course, but isn’t it nice to know that you could?

The rest of the mix are some of my go-to tunes that help keep me afloat in rougher waters. Particularly “Keep On Livin’,” which is like my personal anthem for making it out of life alive.

I’m not gonna do the full-out Mixtape Masters masthead and footer here today. Just the music player today, just this once.

Cults — Bad Things
Le Tigre — Keep On Livin’
Black Lips — Not A Problem
Vivian Girls — When I’m Gone
Ani DiFranco — Napoleon (live from Living In Clip)

8 Responses to “gonna run, run away”

  1. Sorry you’re having a rough one, babe.

  2. I’m sorry Lyn. I hope this week is better.

  3. Huge hugs. I do the same thing, and I think the best thing you can do is give the other you the opportunity to take over so you can heal. Excellent choices on the music.

  4. We all fall apart sometimes, Lyn. I go through mini-phases of this EVERY day where I don’t give as much care and attention to a small thing that I should and then once in a while everything goes unattended while I crawl in a hole of recovery. It’s ugly and I know how you feel. Cheer up. Get some pistachio gelato.

  5. Yeah. Some days the dishes get left in the sink and the bed goes unmade. The Candyman encourages me let it all fall apart sometimes. I’m not comfortable with that and so it’s hard to do. But I do it and it ends up making the stress of me a little easier.
    Doesn’t that even make a bit of sense?

    This is a great post.

  6. Sometimes just the act of letting it fall apart makes me feel better.

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