what is the what

I feel I owe you an explanation for my almost-sorta-three-weeks of blog silence. So, here it is:

Aw, shit. I was trying to come up with something really good, like I fell into the center of the world’s largest cream-filled doughnut and it took me three weeks to eat my way out. Or maybe I’ve just been busy during the hockey playoffs filling in as a Canucks Green Man:

That's me on the right.

The real explanation is something like this: I went to Michigan and then a bunch of life happened. I wasn’t hair-pullingly stressed out; I was just trying to Get Stuff Done. Unfortunately that “stuff” didn’t include writing anything that wasn’t an email to my boss. Or a list of things to do. What’s more, I didn’t really feel like writing. I felt like I had nothing to say. What I was supposed to say?

Dear blog: Sometimes I go to eat certain kinds of sushi and I feel this guilty tug at the back of my mind because of overfishing, sustainability, and environmental concerns. Then another voice always pipes in and is like, well, in that case, I should go ahead and eat all this sushi now before it’s gone forever. This voice always wins because I am an evil person with a black heart of doom.”
Dear blog: I sincerely regret my choice of underwear today.”
Dear blog: I could stare at the album cover for Stankonia all day long. What do you think it would take to get Outkast’s André 3000 to come out of hiding and make another album so he could perhaps be inspired to take his shirt off again?”

Dear blog: The other week I was at my friend’s house drinking tequila and another friend was like OH MY GOD WE’RE MISSING AMERICAN IDOL and she turned on the T.V. and so I ended up watching, like, 20 minutes of American Idol for the first time ever, and my takeaway from this experience is 1) Why would J.Lo ever wear saggy-ass pants during a performance, that is like traveling thousands of miles to see the Grand Canyon and discovering it’s been completely filled in; and 2) Everyone cries all the time.”
Dear blog: I take great delight in referring to Facebook as ‘Facefuck.'”

This is why I don’t write during these periods of time.

Let’s see. What else have I been doing outside of pathetic attempts at self-improvement?

  • I made this poster for Harvey Milk Day! I drew Harvey by hand in Illustrator and I am incredibly happy about how he turned out.
  • The day I got back from Michigan, I drove myself to urgent care to see about a giant swollen lump adjacent to my right armpit. Boy, you should have seen the look on the nurse’s face when she asked me what I came in for and I pulled back my sweater to show her! Turns out it was an inflamed sebaceous cyst and I had to have it removed right there. The doctor took a strange delight in showing me what he was pulling out of that thing. “This is the cyst wall!” he crowed with glee, balancing something that looked like tapioca pearls atop of his scalpel. I still owe the medical center $155 for the privilege of having that much fun.
  • THEN, the nail on my big toe suddenly fell off. I KNOW, RIGHT? But get this: I already had a new toenail halfway grown in underneath! My body has been magically doing things I didn’t even know about!
  • I’m thinking about changing how I refer to the beau on this blog. After all, he’s not really a “beau” anymore, per se. But I still don’t want to use his real name. I’m considering calling him “Nick.” Thoughts?
  • I am getting so insanely excited about this blog’s impending redesign that I am about ready to throw up. Not the bad kind of throwing up, of course. I’m talking about the kind where you open your mouth and only glitter and rainbows and happy faces and exclamation points comes out. Although personally speaking I’ve only had the bad kind, so I wouldn’t really know. But anyway, I’m finally catching up on other stuff to the point where I can maybe carve out some time starting this week! Eek!

Okay, that’s it. I think I’ve covered pretty much everything. I have a couple of posts about Michigan that I started while I was in Michigan and I will probably finish those and post them later this week. Maybe. I’m not promising anything. I’ve also had a bunch of stuff rolling around in the back of my mind about wedding stuff and life goals and social and economic classes and impermanence, so I’m hoping I can figure out a write about those things in a funny yet poignant and meaningful way. Eventually.

In the meantime, I’ll be looking for the world’s largest cream-filled doughnut.

What have you been up to lately?

15 Responses to “what is the what”

  1. GAHH you are funny. FUNNY, funny, funny.
    Love your Harvey Milk poster, can’t wait for the redesign and I feel THE. SAME. WAY. when I watch American Idol.
    Glad to see you again 🙂

  2. If you call the Beau “Nick”, I will start to imagine him as Nick Carraway from the Great Gatsby, with a generous dose of Sam Waterston’s portrayal of the character in the 1970s film. Can you handle that?

    • I can handle it… that’s sort of the problem with going with a name like that. Everyone knows a Nick, you know?

  3. I regret my choice of underwear often. You are not alone.

  4. I’ve nearly stopped wearing underwear all together. What? Too much?

    And how can you not love The Idol? I get my sexy-ugly on with Steven Tyler every week and it amkes me incredibly happy. Then I note that I am actually YOUNGER than J. Lo and I get depressed because she looks so motherfucking good. That bitch.

  5. More topless men please thank you.

    I am really looking forward to reading your funny and poignant thoughts on wedding stuff and life goals and social and economic classes and impermanence – those are all things that roll around in my head too, but then I somehow end up writing about brown crochet shorts. I suspect you will do a better job.

    Also I am VERY excited to see myself added to your list of those of us who are “fumbling our way through adulthood”. I couldn’t have asked for a higher accolade.

    • There are plenty of accolades of much higher stature out there… but I am very careful about choosing the people I put on my blog roll, so it IS sorta an exclusive list. Sorta. Kinda. In a manner of speaking.

  6. Up to? Just writing uni essays. Or trying to. Or pretending to.

    I know you think we all love your wedding blog more but I really don’t. Not after posts like this one where I learn what you call facebook.

    It’s always scary how excited medical professionals get about cutting stuff. Or how GLEEFUL they are about it.

    • This dude was seriously excited, to the point of being slightly alarming. At least he was enthusiastic about his job… ?

      Sometimes I call it Facehell, too.

  7. Your Harvey Milk poster is ah.maz.ing. Love it.

  8. now I totally want a doughnut. Also? That is the best explanation ever for blog silence. Also, I will definitely sign your petition to please get Andre 300o to take his shirt off again and I can’t wait to see the redesign! woo!

  9. I like “the Beau” even after you are married. 🙂

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