in portland you can put a bird on something and just call it art

Hi. You look nice today. Is that a new shirt? It’s really working for you. Is, is uh… are you doing something different with your hair? Parting it on the other side, maybe? Yeah? I like your face. Good job with that. Good job having that face.

[Clears throat, drags toe across floor]

Some rain we’re having, huh?

[Avoids eye contact]


So, I’ve been gone a little while? Partially because I unofficially participated in the Bloggers’ Day of Silence last Friday in support of For Japan with Love (and by “unofficially” I mean I didn’t tell anyone I was), and partially because I’ve been working on the same damn post for over a week now. I just keep pouring words into the post draft window, and whenever I try to stop and edit them down, I end up adding more. I’ve read it over so many times that it doesn’t even make sense to me anymore. I try to scan through and all I see is DERP DERP DERP DERPA DERPA DERP. They say the hardest part is admitting you have a problem and, well: I think I might need help, you guys. Someone please come over here and hit “publish” for me.

… No? No one? I suppose you’re right. I have to learn to do it for myself.

It’s really for the best that I haven’t published it yet, though. That post is currently 14,083,592 words long and there aren’t even any pictures in it. I am totally breaking all the blogging rules. Good thing I’m not a real blogger.

The monster may not be ready for its debut, but I figured I couldn’t let this week come to a close without posting something. So here’s an update on Things That Have Occurred Since I Last Posted:

  • I hemmed and hawed about buying a plane ticket to Michigan to see my family in mid-April, because: money! Travel requires many piles of it! After Travelocity toyed with my emotions in the form of offering a deal, retracting it, and then offering it again, I finally caved and bought one. Now I’m looking forward to spending roughly five days of next month in the “thumb” of the mitten state! Zany antics are certain to ensue.
  • Because the word “diet” makes me want to hurl my container of gouda cheese spread against the nearest wall, I have finally begun a campaign to shed my winter weight. My plan is to sternly ask the invasive layer of flab to please take its leave of my body. If that doesn’t work, I shall have no choice but to raise my voice.
  • I told my husband I was going to sell him to the circus. It was for our future, I said. He didn’t seem convinced. He wanted to know what his circus act would be. I said it would be the half-naked man act, because he has this thing he likes to do on mornings when I work out at home where he suddenly scurries out of the bedroom and commences prancing around the kitchen clad only in his underwear and socks. Now he will probably never forgive me for composing a sentence about him that included the words “scurry,” “prance,” and “underwear.” Looks like I’ll have to run away and join the circus.
  • One of my brigadiers got engaged last night! She tried calling me, but since no one ever calls me I had carelessly abandoned my phone in another room. Damn my chronic unpopularity! She finally came over to our house to deliver the news in person. And that’s how we came to be popping an unexpected bottle of champagne at 10:00 p.m. on a weeknight to properly celebrate unexpected good news. Incidentally, it was a leftover bottle of the champagne we served at our wedding. The proposal occurred in the wind and rain on the pier early yesterday evening, and it was reported that right after the question was asked, the clouds broke and the sun shone through. It was also reported that the bride-to-be’s initial response to the question was “SHUT UP.” If that tale doesn’t warm the cockles of your heart, I don’t know what will.
  • I have developed a raging crush on the IFC series Portlandia. This is partially due to the fact that the beau is from Portland, and since we go back to visit frequently I know it’s all kind of true; and partially due to the fact that I go totally fangirl over Carrie Brownstein, who used to play bass in the now-defunct band Sleater-Kinney, and I’ve totally been listening to Sleater-Kinney since, like, 1999. They were one of my favorite bands while I was in college. I spent the entire summer between sophomore and junior year listening to “All Hands On the Bad One” on repeat. My college friend who used to put on Ladyfest Lansing once drove down to Ohio to sit directly across from Carrie Brownstein in a booth at a Big Boy restaurant and ask if Sleater-Kinney could play the festival that year (they couldn’t because of touring conflicts). So I will always have a special place in my heart for Carrie, and now I have a special place in my heart for this show.
  • I vacuumed!

Okay. That’s pretty much it. I’ll probably pop in tomorrow with a playlist. I’m thinking maybe a Cure-themed playlist? Seems to suit the weather here.

I hope to have the MonsterPost tamed by Monday. Maybe, um, Tuesday. Until then, tell me: what’s been going on with you?

Oh yeah, in the interest of trying to be a good blogger, or something, I shall leave you with this Portlandia clip. That way you’ll have something bright and sparkly to distract you when all these boring-looking words just start getting to you.

Oh, fine. I tweeted this one several weeks ago, but I can’t resist adding it here:

20 Responses to “in portland you can put a bird on something and just call it art”

  1. Oh, thank god above. I hope I didn’t guilt you into this.

    So, here’s a recommendation. Do you read If no, do it. If yes, I knew it! You and Amy are neck-and-neck in the big race for my affection. So…go fraternize with the enemy. She’s pretty awesome, even for readers without offspring.

    • Yeah, you knew it. I DO read Amalah. In fact, I’ve even read the archives… something like 2003 – 2006, at least. There are still a couple years in there I need to catch up on. But yep. You caught me. Now to figure out how to win your affection….

  2. I’ve been doing a lot of waiting. I am SO CLOSE to good news but can’t act on it yet because I’m waiting for official HR types of things, which are taking like 15 years to happen. More on this later, obviously. Otherwise, we took the puppy to agility class last night, which was sort of hilarious, and we’re off to Alabama tomorrow for a Friday-evening wedding and I don’t know what to wear.

    That’s so exciting about your brigadier’s engagement, and I love that she dropped by in person to announce it since she couldn’t get your phone! You should be glad you didn’t answer. I actually missed the same news from my college roomie/brigadier a couple weeks ago… she left a message on a Saturday while I was at a wedding and I didn’t get the message til Tuesday because I am bad at checking messages with this phone, and then she finally got me on Wednesday. I have a really bad habit of putting my phone down when I get home and forgetting about it til I have to plug it in (and I keep it on vibrate, which helps nothing), so I totally understand.

    • I keep mine on vibrate, too, which definitely doesn’t help matters. Given that our cell phones are the only way to reach us (no landline), I should probably be more diligent about checking it in case there’s an emergency.

      Yay for potential good news! Hope everything goes swimmingly with that.

  3. I am also obsessed with Portlandia and crushing on Carrie Brownstein. This is one of my faves…

  4. woohoo! vacuuming!
    i have a post like that…sitting way down in the deep, dark crevices of “drafts….”
    glad to see you again, you look nice as well. 🙂

  5. Portlandia is the best! I have a crush on Carrie because her name is also my name, and I have a crush on Fred because who else could pull off saying “Shell art is OVER!!” while sporting that chin beard? The answer is nobody.

    …I realize you don’t know me, yet I still just jumped in here with a comment, as if we are best friends or something. I read your blog a lot (meaning when you post–I don’t just read old entries over and over, wishing I could be your best friend). I’m also pretty sure I have some undiagnosed social disorders. Anyway, I really like yer blog and…well, good job on the vacuuming, there.

    • *waving* Hi Carrie!

      Ooh. I always get all giddy over first-time commenters! Thanks for reading. And thanks for noticing my vacuuming skills.

  6. YAY! Hi Lyn!

    Also, campaign is my new favorite word for weight loss.

  7. OH THANK GOD. You are alive. Please please please don’t go away again. It was horrible without you.

    And there is not one word of the above post that I didn’t absolutely adore.

    And what is with guys never caring if they are seen in underwear and socks? Don’t they know that it’s the most ugly combination of lack of clothing known to humans? If I’m in the process of getting undressed and Craig walks in and I’m down to the “underwear and socks” stage you bet your ass I’m ripping those things off as fast as I possibly can to spare him the sight.

  8. I think the “SHUT UP” response is becoming very common. Another one I hear a lot is that girls are really stricken and forget to look at the ring for several seconds while they process what has just happened.

  9. Oh you’re not supposed to post giant 12,546,321 word essays without any pictures in them? Damn, missed that memo. Oh well, at least my face looks good.

    And luckily I’m not worried about winter flab. Those pants that used to look awesome on me and now resemble a sausage-casing just shrank in the wash. Damn the wash.

  10. I never check my phone either and it is often dead in my purse because no one ever calls me either, especially since I moved. Last week the phone actually rang, and my cat was really startled and nervous by it. That was the moment I realized that it must really never, ever ring since he didn’t even know what the sound was. Haha.

  11. Campaign to lose weight. I like it. I’m campaigning to get buff 😉
    And I keep hearing such good things about Portlandia! I guess I need finally watch it.

  12. Welcome BACK! It’s not just you — I have been a terrible commenter (ie, we’ll all notice that I am three days late to this party?) but I have THOUGHT lots of comments in your direction. Good, snarky comments. Which promptly disappeared into the ether of my ADD brain. But here! Before I forget!

    – I was told by someone in a bar last night that I look like Carrie Brownstein, which was both kind of flattering and kind of like “damn, I guess I can’t have hipster bangs AND drink PBR.”

    – I don’t vacuum because I’m fairly certain I’ll end up pregnant. Is this rational? No. Has it gotten me out of vacuuming for the last few years? YES.

    – I like the idea of an anti-flab campaign. I have been telling mine that, like Mubarak, its days are numbered. It is not as amused as I would have hoped.

    – re: running around in one’s underwear: I do this. A LOT. (It is frequently No Pants O’Clock in my house.) I think of my tendency towards hanging out in my birthday suit as charming and quirky, but my boyfriend is less amused, because we live across from the district attorney’s office. He’s convinced that the attorneys see us in starbucks and whisper about the naked people. Talk about circus.

  13. Tony and I were at a steak house in San Francisco a few weeks back with his bosses and their wives. One of the bosses started to ask the waiter for details about where the beef came from, and all I could do was grin at Tony and ask him if we could go see the cows at the farm to make sure they were treated properly.

    Like the chickens.

  14. Yes! Travel requires SO much money and we are trying to get a rolling start on saving for this wedding but I reheheheheaally want to go get out of Ohio and visit my Nana in the Puget Sound. I think I need to take the fiance before she has to sell her island house (she’s 84) and he’ll never get to see it…. ever. Priorities, right?


  1. Design Issues « Fangs and Clause - March 29, 2011

    […] it make me stop cursing? Would I stop being all punk rock and become all artsy, or as Lyn says put a bird on it and call it art? How does design affect content? Are you going blind reading my badly kerned white-on-black […]

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