Once you are married, your uterus — which all your single life has been a privately held company — goes public. Suddenly everyone fancies themselves shareholders and has ideas to pitch on the future of the, uh, business. Get ready for speculation to run wild!
The minute after you get hitched the topic of spawning is thrust upon you continuously, from all sides, and in both the most innocuous and egregious ways. For instance, last weekend a man sat down next to me on the train. A conversation subsequently unfolded in which I mentioned I was 1) recently married and 2) currently a freelancer. “It’s good to have flexibility in your job so that you can stay home when you need to,” he said. “You know, for when you start having kids.” Oh, good. Glad to have gotten that sorted out. I see what you did there, sir.
This morning I was perusing Facebook when I came across a post from a friend who said: “I’m losing my mind this week. Today I forgot where I parked!” And naturally, someone had responded with: “Are you pregnant??”
Because of course. Of course. I totally understand the cognitive leap required to get from “amusing anecdote about temporarily misplacing car” to “PREGNANCY.” It absolutely makes complete sense. Being a woman, after all, is just a series of conditions afflicted upon us by our wrathful, primitive bodies. Angry? Must be PMS-ing. Emotional? Must be menstruating. Sleepy? Must be pregnant. Hungry? Must be… well, any of those things. See, it’s simple, really. Women have two modes of existence: Knocked Up and Not Knocked Up. After completing the college and wedding rounds, a woman’s next life challenge is to see how quickly she can go from the one mode to the other. Logically, anything she says or does should be taken as evidence of the same. Right?
Oh. Wait. No. Wrong. Wrong! I meant wrong.
Here’s what I’m wondering. What kind of CRIMINALLY INSANE person would even reply to a status update about a woman forgetting where she has parked her car with Are you pregnant?? Like, who… whose mind even GOES THERE? Because to me, there are a quite a number of other, much more appropriate responses that should instead spring to mind. Let me give you a quick primer:
- Appreciation. “Ha ha! Too funny.”
- Agreement. “Something must be in the air this week, because that’s me too! Yesterday I could barely remember how to spell my own name.”
- Sharing. “OMG, one time that happened to my sister! She wandered around the mall parking lot for an hour before she found it!”
- Teasing. “It’s not just this week. You lost your mind a long time ago, crazy!”
- Shaming. “Forgetting where your car is? How about forgetting to call your mother? You never call.”
- Derailment. “Hey txt me when you read this I have a question 4u.”
See? All of those are far superior choices. LEARN FROM ME, PEOPLE OF THE WORLD.
And please, for the love of God, stop asking me about my uterus.