just wait’ll you see my fair market value

Once you are married, your uterus — which all your single life has been a privately held company — goes public. Suddenly everyone fancies themselves shareholders and has ideas to pitch on the future of the, uh, business. Get ready for speculation to run wild!

The minute after you get hitched the topic of spawning is thrust upon you continuously, from all sides, and in both the most innocuous and egregious ways. For instance, last weekend a man sat down next to me on the train. A conversation subsequently unfolded in which I mentioned I was 1) recently married and 2) currently a freelancer. “It’s good to have flexibility in your job so that you can stay home when you need to,” he said. “You know, for when you start having kids.” Oh, good. Glad to have gotten that sorted out. I see what you did there, sir.

This morning I was perusing Facebook when I came across a post from a friend who said: “I’m losing my mind this week. Today I forgot where I parked!” And naturally, someone had responded with: “Are you pregnant??”

Because of course. Of course. I totally understand the cognitive leap required to get from “amusing anecdote about temporarily misplacing car” to “PREGNANCY.” It absolutely makes complete sense. Being a woman, after all, is just a series of conditions afflicted upon us by our wrathful, primitive bodies. Angry? Must be PMS-ing. Emotional? Must be menstruating. Sleepy? Must be pregnant. Hungry? Must be… well, any of those things. See, it’s simple, really. Women have two modes of existence: Knocked Up and Not Knocked Up. After completing the college and wedding rounds, a woman’s next life challenge is to see how quickly she can go from the one mode to the other. Logically, anything she says or does should be taken as evidence of the same. Right?


Oh. Wait. No. Wrong. Wrong! I meant wrong.

Here’s what I’m wondering. What kind of CRIMINALLY INSANE person would even reply to a status update about a woman forgetting where she has parked her car with Are you pregnant?? Like, who… whose mind even GOES THERE? Because to me, there are a quite a number of other, much more appropriate responses that should instead spring to mind. Let me give you a quick primer:

  • Appreciation. “Ha ha! Too funny.”
  • Agreement. “Something must be in the air this week, because that’s me too! Yesterday I could barely remember how to spell my own name.”
  • Sharing. “OMG, one time that happened to my sister! She wandered around the mall parking lot for an hour before she found it!”
  • Teasing. “It’s not just this week. You lost your mind a long time ago, crazy!”
  • Shaming. “Forgetting where your car is? How about forgetting to call your mother? You never call.”
  • Derailment. “Hey txt me when you read this I have a question 4u.”

See? All of those are far superior choices. LEARN FROM ME, PEOPLE OF THE WORLD.

And please, for the love of God, stop asking me about my uterus.

29 Responses to “just wait’ll you see my fair market value”

  1. Apparently after you’ve had a “married” relationship status on Facebook for awhile, you start getting pregnancy ADS. And I thought those wedding diet ones were bad enough…

    (Hilariously, two of the four Google ads on this site right now are pregnancy related. ;D)


      Also, wait. You’re seeing Google ads on my blog?

      • Now they are gone, but I swear I wasn’t making them up! How odd. (Yet another reason to suspect we are slowly being taken over by our Google overlords?)

    • Whew. I’m glad they’re gone. But that’s incredibly puzzling. Google overlords, indeed!

      • Whoa. Jinx! I saw them too, but n

      • *now they’re gone. (Sorry. Damn cat.)

        • Damn! Okay, I did some poking around and found out that even though I never agreed to run ads on my blog, WordPress.com sometimes puts them there temporarily to “support the service and keep the features free.” Okay then. Apparently I can do the “No-Ads Upgrade” to guarantee that no one will ever have to be subjected to ads on my blog at any time, but that costs $30 a year. Honestly, I’d rather spend that money on new underwear. I don’t know. So sorry about that, guys. I didn’t want you to ever have to look at ads here.

  2. I am guilty of thinking I am pregnant ALL THE TIME for ridiculous reasons even though it is clearly not true (I <3 my intrauterine troll), and my boyfriend always responds with "it's ok, I'll just push you down the stairs." Which is totally funny in context! But less so when Serious People are present or, um, I'm talking about it on the internets. (Hi, we don't really make a lot of domestic violence jokes, I swear. Ok! good talk.)

    When other people enquire as to the state of my uterus, I am always awkward and polite (why is it that we're so conditioned to respond politely to really obnoxious shit like that?) but someday I would like to say "well we already have two" and then show them pictures of my cats.

    (p.s. the google ad for this was "Pregnant? Free Belly Bag!" which I clicked on because I had no idea what a Belly Bag was but NOW I KNOW and I would be SO MUCH HAPPIER if I didn't.)

    • Dude, if I had cats I would totally steal that idea from you. I would LOVE to witness that exchange.

      Also, we have a tendency to make highly inappropriate jokes, too, so I feel you.

      Also also: HA HA HAAA.

    • “why is it that we’re so conditioned to respond politely to really obnoxious shit like that?” GOOD POINT.

      I am *not* looking forward to this part of being married at all. I will have to practice my responses beforehand so I don’t lean too much towards either side of feeling bad about myself afterwards for standing up for myself and my body and not telling people off a bit for being rude, but I don’t go too into “whoa she’s a little touchy” territory.

  3. One of my friends is going through this right now.. she’s been married for over a year, and all she gets are the pregnant/kids questions. The kicker is that she can’t have kids. So it’s doubly offensive and annoying.

    People need to shut it and be more interested in their own lives. That sounds meaner than I mean it to be, but it gets me annoyed sometimes! Especially since I went through that with “when are you getting engaged/married?” It drove me BANANAS.

  4. If you’re feeling cold-blooded you could always answer “Well, I was pregnant, but I just lost the baby, so thanks for bringing that up!” Effective, if cruel. Seriously, though, who goes there??

  5. I go with the “Naw, we’re not sure if we want to have kids at all.” and watch their eyes pop out of their sockets as their brain swells trying to make sense of a woman not wanting to join the reproduction ranks.

  6. I am seriously not looking forward to this. Keep your minds on your own uteruses thankyouverymuch.

  7. I am realizing with time just how incredibly inappropriate the uterus discussions are. I know someone who is having trouble conceiving and I can’t even imagine how it stings when people ask her “so when are you guys having kids??” and maybe throw in an obnoxious “you’re not getting any youngeeeerr….” Talk about throwing salt on the wound.

    But maybe I’m just feeling sensitive about it cause I have PMS.

    • I KNOW! They can be so horrific for people who are facing trouble. Which is a way better reason than merely being annoyed to stop making obnoxious remarks about a person’s child-bearing plans.

  8. There is simply never a good time to talk about my uterus unless I bring it up — as in, “So, have I told you recently that I’m about to give birth. No, really, my contractions are 1 minute apart. You may now discuss my uterus until the next contraction hits, when it will no longer be funny or appropriate. Start … now.”

    But tell that to my boss, who likes to out women’s pregnancies at work before their ready to talk about it. That was fun. Twice.

  9. My mother’s been asking me about my uterus for years. I am NOT looking forward to how the wedding will open the floodgates to everyone else’s questions now too. My mother is enough. Really.

  10. humongous, enthusiastic, HA!
    i would never have the balls to ask a woman IN THE DELIVERY room if she was pregnant.
    always wait to be told…wait to be told….
    my mom’s trying to close my uterus forever, i think. i say “aren’t those baby clothes adorable?!” when i buy a teenie outfit for a baby shower and she instantly snaps, “don’t even think about it.” uhm…well…isaiah and i had “make a baby” planned for like…4pm today? should i reschedge? maybe….

  11. I could go off into a rant about how the female body is always assumed to be owned, easily–I’m there this week. (Pre-marriage it’s all “don’t have sex, stop being a slut, wear more/less yadda yadda, post marriage it’s “we sure do miss the patter of little feet.” “Well, adopt a fucking dog, then.”

    YES. Appropriate vs. not. And I’m a bitch about that shit. “Are you pregnant?” “No, are you stupid?”

    If you want to talk to me about your uterus, fine. If I want to talk with you about mine, fine. Otherwise, shutthemothereffup.

  12. My boss at work has already told me that I won’t be at work in 2013 because I “will have children by then”. I am engaged, with 11 months until the wedding. Seriously!?

    Also: I’m not even sure that I CAN have children. So any comment about it is something that could potentially make me sink into a deep depression. But don’t let that stop anyone!

  13. it is very important that facebook users of the world see your appropriate response charts. perhaps you can make them for all kinds of posts since people don’t seem to understand how to response to everything from bad days statuses up through yes, the ‘ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?!?!?’ ones

  14. Oh dear. I think that derailment ight be my strategy of choice.

    • Yeah, maybe it’s better to just confuse them by bringing up an entirely unrelated topic. “Are you pregnant??” “You know what? I wish they would bring back the tan M&Ms. Blue is nice and all, but tan was the shit.”

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