soulless

Yesterday the link to this site was getting passed around the intertubes like some kind of virtual venereal disease. I succumbed. I clicked on the link and read back a few pages. Then I closed the tab window and forgot.

Well, mostly forgot. One day later, I am turning this over and over in my mind:

YOUR JOB I know I’m ‘the free spirited one’, but you’re not allowed to be doing something that makes you miserable. Sorry. We’ll fucking live in a box, it’s fine.

The beau came home from work last night as per usual. And as per usual, I asked him how his day had been. “A resident told me I was soulless,” he said flatly, by way of reply.

Take this scene, rewind it back, and replay it every weekday around 6:00 p.m. This is our life.

Yesterday I finally unclamped my hands from over my eyes just long enough to look at local job listings in my industry. I found exactly one job I was qualified to apply for. It involves doing the same thing I’m doing now, just in a different cubicle inside of a different building off of a different exit on the same freeway I currently drive to work. My destiny is my own personal circuit of hell. But what’s my alternative? Unemployment?

I’m afraid of making less money than I am now. Than we are now. There, I said it.

But I’m more afraid that nothing will ever change.

5 Responses to “soulless”

  1. hello parallel situation.
    isaiah and i are both dreamers…we both want to have a business someday where we can just work on something together, build something, see something we’ve tended to grow and what not…but the job market is calling and our student status is over and it’s tough to make the leap…but it will always be tough to make a leap.

    what makes you happy to think about doing work-wise? can you freelance design/write for a while to bridge a gap? do you want to go to graduate school at all? what makes your heart spin?

    all i know is…you’re a badass photographer, writer, designer, person and there is a job description out there that will suit you – whether or not you have to make it up yourself is TBD, eh?

    i know you have to work to get the money and what not to be able to go out on your own a bit or take a risk…but at least it’s something to work/save for? what do you have in mind?

    • I would really like to go back to freelancing (designing only, I haven’t yet found anyone who wants to pay me to write), but I had such a rough go-around the last time (2008) I worked for myself that I’m nervous to try. I’m not good at selling myself, you know? I learned that the last time around. So I don’t know. I am willing to make a leap but it’s nerve-wracking to think of both of us cutting loose at the same time. And on the other hand, I don’t want him to be stuck at his current job for the sake of being the primary breadwinner while I’m off “finding myself.”

      I just don’t know. Right now it’s one of those walls you have to just hammer away at until you start to see what’s on the other side. I’m not sure what makes my heart spin. Right now writing and web design/development are simmering at the top of my brain. Writing has always been just a hobby — never thought of it as a potential source of employment — but maybe in the future I can try to bring it into my career path. And the web stuff — I know HTML/CSS really well, with just a little PHP, but I want to get better at knowing my way around a backend. One of my goals for this spring is to take a static site I designed and am webmastering and build a WordPress CMS for it so that others can update it. It’s a great goal, but unfortunately not something I can get paid for at this point. I am just learning, you know?

      On another note, you and Isaiah have continually inspired me. Though you face the same life passion/money-making issues, and it’s hard, you guys are making it — at least to me, anyway. You’re active and creative. It sounds weird, but I want to be more like you guys in my daily life.

      Gah. This got so long. I should have sent an email!

  2. go for it! would changing locations make a difference? would it make you happier? I make less now than I did at my old job but I am a zillion times happier. you can make that work. I hope you find something you love to do. I am hoping to start a little side project to get my creative juices flowing since I don’t really have a chance to do that at work. I think its about trying to find that balance. you might not love your job but I think its key not to hate it. best of luck, keep us posted

  3. It seems like so many people I know are in the same situation you are. I don’t know if I can offer any words of advice other than to do some deep soul searching. I definitely believe you don’t need to be stuck in a place that drains you. No job is perfect, but some are better fits than others and that allow your soul to be alive.

  4. Me too. Me too. Me too.

    I’ve been trying to take baby steps. I’m the primary breadwinner; the boy is trying to build a business and we have this huge mortgage hanging around our necks (though hopefully not for long!) so sometimes I feel like I only have baby steps to take. But it’s better than nothing right? Hang in there.

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