wait for it

Lately, I have a real thing for hummus. I cannot get enough of it. I desire it with the heat of a trillion fiery suns. I want to fill a kiddie pool and marinate myself in a hummus bath. If I could inject it directly into my veins, I would. I would eat so much hummus that I would become hummus. We would become one. And I would become a wildly popular date for anyone bringing a crudité platter to a party.

For now, I am indulging my little craving. I figure cravings are your body’s way of telling you what it needs. And if my body needs a few metric tons of chickpeas, who am I to stand in its way?

Here’s the annoying thing, though. People tend to assume that any recently married woman of childbearing age is suddenly and indisputably on a babymaking tear. For these people, there is no clearer evidence of your rampant fertility than your having a craving. A craving for anything. Witness:

Woman: “I am craving a ________ (burrito/cucumber/deep fried twinkie/cart of dim sum/wheatgrass smoothie/knish)!”
Annoying person: “Ohmigod you are totally pregnant!”

Woman: “I could really go for a ________  (nap/career advancement/trip to Beirut/quickie on the kitchen floor/stiff drink/new pair of boots/night at the movies)!”
Annoying person: “So when is the baby due?”

Woman: “You know, I have concerns about industry deregulation. How can we wholly trust for-profit companies to protect the consumer?”
Annoying person: “I was wondering when we’d get the big news! Congratulations!”

If this happens to you, you are pretty much screwed. Whether the annoying person in question is jesting or not, the best response is to smile wanly and give a vague shrug. If you get visibly exasperated, they will only use your emotion as ammunition against you: whoa, whoa, gear down there, hormonal! No matter how dim-witted they appear, never underestimate an annoying person. They are vicious monsters with evil in their cold black hearts. Ha ha! No, but seriously though. When are you having kids?

Sorry, sorry. What I meant to say was: can you grab a bucket? This pool of hummus isn’t going to fill itself. Thanks.

12 Responses to “wait for it”

  1. yes, I totally understand this. I do actually want to get pregnant now so its a weird twist. My stomach hurts or I have a craving and a co-worker yells ‘omg pregnant!’ then I get psyched but no such luck. people are weird, we just have to ignore them sometimes. I hear they get weirder when you are pregnant

    also hummus rules, its not like you have a craving for an ice cream & pickle sundae

  2. Dude, I totally hear that! I’m 2 years married, and it’s the same thing. I have a serious love for pickles and cheese, a dill spear wrapped in some cheddar, and OMG…and no, I’m not pregnant. Yeah, I put on weight since I got married, and maybe I eat more pickles – still not preggo. Just to be a brat, when I do get pregnant, I’m going to go through my entire pregnancy without telling any of the weirdos at work.

    @Lisa – It’s a bummer when other people’s assumptions actually get you down when you really want something to happen. Before I was married (of course I really did want to be married), a lady at work made a point to always ask “Where’s the ring?” every time I came back from a holiday. It’s like, “Back the eff off people, you may think it’s fun banter, but this is my life!”

    Ok, wow – don’t know where that came from…oh, yeah I do.

    Cheers on humus, it rocks.

  3. This works both ways, unfortunately. My boss outed my pregnancy thusly:

    Him: We’re opening a couple of bottles of wine later. Are you going to join us?

    Me: No; I really need to get this project done and get home.

    Him: There’s only two reasons for not drinking, and I know you’re not an alcoholic!

    Me: Um, uh, please don’t tell anyone yet?

    • OH NOES. That’s a horrible way for the secret to slip out! But… also kind of funny. I can’t believe he was so tuned into that. Gosh.

  4. Ugh. Just ugh, I am not looking forward to this. Even if you can verbalize a very polite answer to their assumptions such as “no, we’re not planning for any babies at the moment thanks you, this is just a normal old feeling,” they look at you with that smig look like “that’s what you think, but you are wrong. HA.”

    • This is because they are, sadly, vicious monsters with evil in their cold black hearts. Maybe I should just give up trying to be polite and go straight for kicking them in the shins.

  5. oh no! that sounds horrible…i never suggest people are pregnant or should be trying or ask when they are going to. when i have it’s always been with an undertone of – are you a person waiting like me or are we not gonna have that much in common on this topic – to people engaged or just married.

    by the way…i’ve been on a hummus kick for a YEAR straight. don’t think that’s gonna be a phase…try, instead, we’ve had tubs of hummus and bags of baby carrots in the fridge for the last year straight.

  6. Are you going to sell membership to your hummus pool club? Because if you do, let me know.

    I am not sure I’m going to be able to handle this well at all. I already get snippy with people at work that I do not know very well asking me if I’m going to change my name. WTH? Do you even know my fiance’s name? Do you know anything about me that I haven’t put on my Facebook profile?

    I recognize that many of these things are people just cluelessly trying to engage in small talk and make connections with people but UGH, STOP IT ALREADY. The worse ones are the smug people who just tell you you’re going to change your mind later. Don’t tell me what I’m going to do! Don’t wanna hear it! Go away!

  7. I love hummus. I have now learned how to make hummus, which is both easy and dangerous. Dangerous, because now I can justify eating all the homemade hummus in a single sitting, since I feel so virtuous for having “cooked.”

    Also, I don’t think I’m ready for a world full of people behaving like my mother, all on uterus watch.

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