I have been dicking around for what feels like forever with an almost empty shampoo bottle.
Every time I squeeze some out, I think, okay, next time I’ll surely finish it. Then comes my next hair-washing day and I think, no, for real, next time is the last time I’m ever gonna have to look at this thing. It’s gone on like this for weeks now. It’s a bottomless wellspring of shampoo. Meanwhile I’m having to keep its featherlight plastic form leaned upside down against the shower wall and the bottle ends up clattering to the floor every time water splashes on it or if I breathe in its direction little too hard. Who breathes too hard in the shower? It’s hard work keeping your leg hiked up for the shaving, I’m telling you.
It was last October when I opened this particular bottle of shampoo. A year spent with a single bottle! That’s a long-term relationship. A lot of shared memories. We were living with the Mennonites when we first started seeing each other. I’d come back in the early darkness of autumn, filthy and exhausted from working on the house, strip my dusty clothes off, and turn the shower on. Don’t worry, I’ll stop there because it gets pretty graphic.
Needless to say I’ve changed a lot in the past year. I’m ready to move on to someone new now. I’m ready to switch from “Foaming Mint” to “Xtramoist.” Mmm, hair flavors.
Why did I write this? Why am I making you read this? What is happening right now?
Can you believe it’s going to be Halloween soon? THE TIME, IT KEEPS MOVING FORWARD IN A FORWARD-MOVING FASHION. We’ve never done Halloween before. I mean, with the candy for the children and whatnot. At our last place in California we were set back from the sidewalk and our street didn’t really get much trick-or-treat action anyway. But the beau always insisted on buying at least one bag of candy “just in case.” I resisted so fervently! I was always like: children are short, ungrateful assholes and we don’t need to reward/reaffirm their Kanye-West-sized egos with free chocolate-based treats. I remain terrified of children but now that we are homeowners I feel that we have some kind of larger social obligation to serve our neighborhood. The lady next door reports that our block gets about 15 trick-or-treaters, so this year I’m ready. I’m gonna down to the grocery store and I’m gonna pick out a couple bags of the good stuff like Twix or Butterfingers or HEAVEN HELP ME JUNIOR MINTS and I’m gonna hurl miniaturized candy at these tiny masked overlords all night, even if only in my street clothes.
As far as dressing up, man, it’s been a few years now. I think the last time I dressed up for Halloween I went as a librarian. A “retro” librarian, if I had to name my costume’s angle. I bought a due date stamp on Ebay and pack of index cards. I have no idea what my plan for these props was supposed to be. I ended up leaving them unused in my handbag because it’s really hard to hold a drink and stamp things at the same time. You kind of need three hands. And I might as well have had three eyes that night, too, because do you know how much you are ignored by dudes when most of your skin is covered by floral polyester print, knit tights, and sensible shoes? SO MUCH TO IGNORE. You’re invisible and it’s great. I wish I’d learned that earlier.
I had learned that earlier, actually, now that I think of it. When I was 23 I dressed up as a “Victorian ghost” complete with a full black gown that buttoned to the neck and went out with a friend dressed as a “cute witch” to the bar. Surprise, cute witch was a veritable penis magnet. She was shoveling out from under an avalanche of penises all night. And me, it was like I wasn’t even there — like I was a ghost! At the time I was in the market for a penis and I thought it was a real bum deal. So the next year I tried wearing much less clothing and my attention level spiked 1000%. Ah-ha, I thought. I have uncovered 1 WEIRD TRICK of attracting males!! This trick served me well for a handful of years and then I was finally like (waves arms in air aggressively) FUCK ALL OF Y’ALL FOR REAL. It is strictly unsexy librarians for me from here on out.
I am all riled up now and really in the mood to get back into Halloween this year. I just need someone to invite me to a party! If not, I guess it’s cool. I can keep myself busy washing my hair.